Goodbye, Chris Heck

It’s so strange to be thinking of this. A friend from high school passed away. He killed himself. Such a simple, yet strong and momentous statement. He was in pain and I didn’t know it. We lived in the same town for fuck’s sake. But, as I think back 10 or so years ago of this sweet and funny boy, all I can really think about is how much fun we had. We’d tell jokes on bus rides, share snacks; and yes, he was weird. But, in high school, weren’t we all weird in our way? Trying to navigate teenage hormones and trying to fit in. Trying to make new friends, but keep the old ones. Wondering what kind of adults we’d be. Wondering if all this work would amount to something successful. What I like to think about is that we were somewhat kindred spirits. My family was poor, so were yours. We were trying to keep up pretenses, but I think we both knew what we were doing. Trying to fit in; trying to find a network of support outside our family; trying to find, maybe, a new family. And, you did, Chris. You have a fantastic group of friends, of which, I very envious in my early years in college. You were still friends with that amazing group and I just wanted in. Unlikely circumstances did not allow that to happen, but whenever I saw your face on FB, I always thought fondly of you.

Then I thought, what would I have done if I saw you, Chris. Would I give you a hug and say things like I’m thinking of you; you’re in my thoughts; you can talk to me if you need to. But, if you couldn’t talk to the ones who loved you best and vice versa, what could I have said to have changed your mind? Would seeing an old face have done anything? I try not to think what could have been different, only because there’s no turning back time.

At first, I was angry. I was angry that you could have done something so selfish; so painful for those who loved you most. Especially, experiencing that particular hurt because of what a loved one had done only 2 days prior. She did that and you hurt. You wrote such a beautiful goodbye to her; yet, you had to have known how much that hurt you would only be multiplying for those who love you. But, pain is felt differently to everyone else.

Now, I only feel such deep sadness for the universe. The universe is missing such a unique and quirky individual that it can be felt for a millennium. I can only hope, and I hope very much Chris, that you are free from whatever was hurting you, whatever pain that could not be alleviated. That when you left, it was painless and relieving.

I hope you’re high-fiving Robin Williams, but not in Hell, but the happy place you go to when you die.


If you or a loved one is feeling suicidal or deep depression, please don’t hold it in. Let it out and get help.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Be compassionate.

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I promise…

  • To remember that life is too short for bad books, bad music, bad drivers, and bad sex.
  • To age gracefully, especially in the car when I’m road raging against old people driving. That could be me one day.
  • To live by the words, “We work to work to live, not live to work” – enjoy the finer things in life
    • Especially those amazing meals at the Ravenous Pig and the Rusty Spoon
  • To remember that someone took my headphones from my cubicle and replaced them with broken ones. I will never forget this moment because I have been violated in my own work space. I was too trusting, but no longer. I will find this person and there will be retribution.
  • to TRY to remember that holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. But, until I get over it, I am holding onto this grudge like white on rice. Fuck this tattoo on my wrist that says “Let It Go” (BEFORE Frozen, effing Disney…) Give me copious amounts of this poison because baby, I’m in for the long haul.

I’ll update as to when I get over this grudge…soon?

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Hey Little Fighter

Hey little fighter, things will soon be brighter.

Stormy End, Sunrise Avenue

Hey little fighter...

I’m going to apply this quote to my previous post. I’m just gonna keep on truckin’ til things get better.

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So much time

This is going to sound weird, but I have a lot of time on my hands at my new job. It’s crazy isn’t it? I don’t know what quite to do with all this free time. I find that after I finish my to-do list; I spend most of my time reading the news and actually discovering new news sites to read: mainly slate and the daily beast. Sometimes, I revel in working the desk because I actually do stuff. However, today at the desk tried my patience real hard. I blame most of it on being grumpy hungry or hangry. I truly wonder what my colleagues are doing at their desk. Some of them are in charge of time consuming tasks and I sometimes envy that. The most time consuming thing I had to do was to create a new manual and that in itself was not very difficult. All I had to do was copy and paste some words and create handouts which also did not take me very long. I imagine once I am more involved in programming or once I overcome my anxiety of it, I’ll be more likely to be busy? I certainly hope so.

It makes wonder if I should take part in other committees to use up my time. I try teaching myself things, but what’s the point if I’m not going to use them? I am hoping this is not me being disenchanted with my new line of work already. I find that I am trying to challenge myself, but some days I am just not that into it. I want to help people, but it just seems like I am just sitting in my cubicle trying to fill my time with useful things to do.

Hopefully, it’ll get better.

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When you believ…

When you believe you are worth something, the universe moves
-Angry

I don’t know who said it, but I saw this quote a couple days ago and it resonated with me. For a while, life seemed kind of down in the dumps in terms of money and finding a job. I got the job and now I make more money, however, I just thought I was lucky in getting a job so soon after I graduated with so little experience. But, along the way, I realized they saw some kinda of potential in me and I started feeling more valuable and actually worth something. Dave also helped me with that. He’s my source of pick me up and unconditional love. He really does make me feel worthwhile and I noticed he’s been laying it on kind of thick. I guess after those moments I started looking at myself in a more positive way, and things started looking on the up and up,

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when I started to believe in myself, the universe moved with me.

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March 4, 2014 · 3:15 pm

Update Update Update

It’s time! Time for another update I mean. I’ve been slacking AGAIN. But here we go, back in December I completed my Masters in Library and Information Studies from Florida State University. WOOT! All done. No more horrible group work, no more annoying online crap, now onto paying my bills. HA. Not. I didn’t walk as I saw that to be completely pointless and I didn’t want to go to Tallahassee for it. The last couple semesters were pretty much torture for me as I was so over school and wanted to find a better paying job. Which leads me to the next part of my update…

I got a job! Like a real paying, not working late at night, a regular 9-5, full time LIBRARIAN job. YES! So soon after I graduated? I know. I couldn’t believe it. I chalk up a lot if not all of it to luck. It just had to be the right time and right place. A week before my 6mo probation popped up, the full time librarian position became available. I expected this to be a learning experience. Go through the process, the assessments, if I was lucky enough, the interview. It was all wham-bam-thank you-ma’am. Within about 1.5 month I received the offer and started promptly two weeks later. Thank my lucky stars, as I wasn’t going to get a loan to help pay the bills; but had now acquired a full time paying job. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m a rich bitch where I’m making it rain. I’ve been trying to be the responsible adult and catch up on bills, save money for upcoming trips, and saving up for another event. Which leads up to the last little ditty in my update…

I’m engaged! Yeah, you heard that right. Dave asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve. I’ve been telling everyone it happened Christmas day so I don’t have to explain too much. We had to go travelling the next day, so we he didn’t want me to feel rushed. Safe to say, I said yes and I am completely in love with the ring and of course Dave. 😉 I’ll probably start planning sometime after April as we have three weddings to attend and I hope I’ll get some ideas then. The details I’ve figure out is to have it sometime in the Fall in 2015. I think September or October is a safe bet. As of right now, I’m doing research on budgeting, planning, venues, and colors. The only colors I came up with are grey, green, maybe brown, and some light purples. Obviously I need to trim that down a bit, but it’s just too hard and time consuming.

I’ll try to update more as I have more time on my hands. It is a good amount of sitting and being on the computer.

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Quote me Sundays…or Monday

Don’t let a bad day , make you feel like you have a bad life

-Unknown

I think this goes hand in hand with last week’s quote of not allowing your mood to dictate your manners. This reminds of a couple Saturdays ago where I allowed my mood to dictate my manners and in turn, made me get into a fight with my boyfriend about me feeling like my life is crap. Which it is not! Not even close. I really have to let go of things sometimes…all the time…more than I do.

I was late posting again because I was actually productive! I was writing cover letters for two jobs I am applying for at UF. I also applied for another job at UF as part of an OPS team. :Crossing fingers: This new job at the county library has made me realize how much I don’t like it. It has reaffirmed my decision to focus on academic libraries. But, I’ll stick with it, and who knows, maybe I’ll enjoy it a bit more than I do now. I blame it on waking up at 745am three mornings out of the week! And tomorrow, I have to BE at a meeting at 8am. What malarkey!

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