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Goodbye, Chris Heck

It’s so strange to be thinking of this. A friend from high school passed away. He killed himself. Such a simple, yet strong and momentous statement. He was in pain and I didn’t know it. We lived in the same town for fuck’s sake. But, as I think back 10 or so years ago of this sweet and funny boy, all I can really think about is how much fun we had. We’d tell jokes on bus rides, share snacks; and yes, he was weird. But, in high school, weren’t we all weird in our way? Trying to navigate teenage hormones and trying to fit in. Trying to make new friends, but keep the old ones. Wondering what kind of adults we’d be. Wondering if all this work would amount to something successful. What I like to think about is that we were somewhat kindred spirits. My family was poor, so were yours. We were trying to keep up pretenses, but I think we both knew what we were doing. Trying to fit in; trying to find a network of support outside our family; trying to find, maybe, a new family. And, you did, Chris. You have a fantastic group of friends, of which, I very envious in my early years in college. You were still friends with that amazing group and I just wanted in. Unlikely circumstances did not allow that to happen, but whenever I saw your face on FB, I always thought fondly of you.

Then I thought, what would I have done if I saw you, Chris. Would I give you a hug and say things like I’m thinking of you; you’re in my thoughts; you can talk to me if you need to. But, if you couldn’t talk to the ones who loved you best and vice versa, what could I have said to have changed your mind? Would seeing an old face have done anything? I try not to think what could have been different, only because there’s no turning back time.

At first, I was angry. I was angry that you could have done something so selfish; so painful for those who loved you most. Especially, experiencing that particular hurt because of what a loved one had done only 2 days prior. She did that and you hurt. You wrote such a beautiful goodbye to her; yet, you had to have known how much that hurt you would only be multiplying for those who love you. But, pain is felt differently to everyone else.

Now, I only feel such deep sadness for the universe. The universe is missing such a unique and quirky individual that it can be felt for a millennium. I can only hope, and I hope very much Chris, that you are free from whatever was hurting you, whatever pain that could not be alleviated. That when you left, it was painless and relieving.

I hope you’re high-fiving Robin Williams, but not in Hell, but the happy place you go to when you die.

If you or a loved one is feeling suicidal or deep depression, please don’t hold it in. Let it out and get help.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Be compassionate.


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I promise…

  • To remember that life is too short for bad books, bad music, bad drivers, and bad sex.
  • To age gracefully, especially in the car when I’m road raging against old people driving. That could be me one day.
  • To live by the words, “We work to work to live, not live to work” – enjoy the finer things in life
    • Especially those amazing meals at the Ravenous Pig and the Rusty Spoon
  • To remember that someone took my headphones from my cubicle and replaced them with broken ones. I will never forget this moment because I have been violated in my own work space. I was too trusting, but no longer. I will find this person and there will be retribution.
  • to TRY to remember that holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. But, until I get over it, I am holding onto this grudge like white on rice. Fuck this tattoo on my wrist that says “Let It Go” (BEFORE Frozen, effing Disney…) Give me copious amounts of this poison because baby, I’m in for the long haul.

I’ll update as to when I get over this grudge…soon?

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Hey Little Fighter

Hey little fighter, things will soon be brighter.

Stormy End, Sunrise Avenue

Hey little fighter...

I’m going to apply this quote to my previous post. I’m just gonna keep on truckin’ til things get better.

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So much time

This is going to sound weird, but I have a lot of time on my hands at my new job. It’s crazy isn’t it? I don’t know what quite to do with all this free time. I find that after I finish my to-do list; I spend most of my time reading the news and actually discovering new news sites to read: mainly slate and the daily beast. Sometimes, I revel in working the desk because I actually do stuff. However, today at the desk tried my patience real hard. I blame most of it on being grumpy hungry or hangry. I truly wonder what my colleagues are doing at their desk. Some of them are in charge of time consuming tasks and I sometimes envy that. The most time consuming thing I had to do was to create a new manual and that in itself was not very difficult. All I had to do was copy and paste some words and create handouts which also did not take me very long. I imagine once I am more involved in programming or once I overcome my anxiety of it, I’ll be more likely to be busy? I certainly hope so.

It makes wonder if I should take part in other committees to use up my time. I try teaching myself things, but what’s the point if I’m not going to use them? I am hoping this is not me being disenchanted with my new line of work already. I find that I am trying to challenge myself, but some days I am just not that into it. I want to help people, but it just seems like I am just sitting in my cubicle trying to fill my time with useful things to do.

Hopefully, it’ll get better.

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William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare

Fun facts about my man, William Shakespeare. The fact that it’s in an infographic makes it even cooler.

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July 2, 2013 · 2:38 pm

Quote me Sundays

Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two…

-Winnie the Pooh

I begin all projects with this thought…sleeping promotes excellent productivity and creativity.

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June 23, 2013 · 9:55 pm

Adventures in Rhetoric

An interesting read on rhetoric in relation to the ideas and future of traditional libraries and traditional librarians.

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June 17, 2013 · 1:20 am