Let Down

I know he doesn’t want a cat.  I am sad.  It’s true I do not need a cat, but he knows I have been dying for one for such a long time.  And, I am trying hard not to be upset about it, but I am.  I want to cry.  It’s so silly, isn’t it?  He wants a dog.  I do too!  But, it’s just not possible with the $100 extra a month.  I guess I can go to other people’s places and play with their pet, but it’s not the same I know.  This is an issue I shouldn’t be upset about.  It’s so little, so miniscule… so why am I so upset?  I basically started tearing up when I realized he truly did not want a cat.  I should just block gainesville pet rescue from my computer so I don’t get tempted and starting to want a cat.  I should just start getting used to the idea of not having a cat.  I know some may say that I should just fight harder for it.  But, when your SO blatantly doesn’t want a cat, it kind of takes the fun out of it.  I guess it’s a good thing that we’re not getting cat, it’s not like we can really afford it anyways.

Home is where the heart is…

For a while.  After that, I find myself becoming VERY restless.  I have itchy feet.  I am procrastinating and being extremely lazy.  I don’t sleep until my father leaves for work and I wake up whenever someone texts me or calls me.  I am a waste of space.  I didn’t finish my resume.  I mean, I kind of started on it, but it sucks.  I just have this perpetuating pessimistic attitude I am sure will bite me in the ass very soon.  I just feel like I do not have much to offer to well, anyone.  So what I graduated from the University of Florida with a BA in English.  WHOOPEE…  What kind of company/corporation wants me?  I only have experience in the restaurant biz being a hostess.  And, I know I can’t be a hostess for the rest of my life.  And, because I am being very immature; I don’t want to be motivated enough to do anything about it to change the position.  I am still little discontent with my situation with my SO.  That, warrants further speculation though.

New Beginnings

A new journal starts with a new chapter in my life. I am making a HUGE commitment by moving in with my SO. I am a little nervous. I’ve been portraying my anxiousness by picking petty little fights…so it seems. But, to me it’s not! I don’t like it when he gets so drunk I can’t have a coherent conversation with him. I hate it when he stays up until 4 am playing beer pong. He gets mad when I don’t want to have sex with him, but when I want to have sex and he doesn’t want/unable to, I am not entitled to get mad. And, what about me not getting an orgasm at the end of a sex session that lasts about 10 minutes. How am I supposed to look happy if I don’t get off? Did anyone hear anything about someone being happy about not getting off? I don’t mind not getting off a few times, but it seems like I get off once a month after a 3x a week sex sessions. I guess the point of the matter is that I am frustrated and I don’t know how to tell him I am unsatisfied without making him feel bad. And, if something doesn’t change soon, I am going to go crazy!

I shouldn’t complain though. He’s a great guy. He’s sweet and considerate. I keep on trying to think of all the great qualities he has, but it just seems harder and harder for me to think about how great he is and how easy it is to dwell on the bad things. It’s my weakness and pettiness getting the best of me. I know I am better than this. I am. I tell you people I am a better person than what I sound like right now. It may not seem so. I may seem like a nymph who can’t get off, but I can. It’s just hard right now. And, let’s not get started on the other fucked up – OK, not so much fucked up, but really difficult, I have to motivate myself to accomplish things I have to do. That’s another day, another entry.